Hey, good news if you're a Lions fan.
The Detroit Lions will start the season 2-0. Yeah, that's right, you heard it here first. They'll be on top of the NFC North. They might even get an article in a prominent magazine after defeating Oakland and Minnesota. Fans will stop yelling for Matt Millen's head, instead praising him for drafting all those wide receivers and putting together such a "complete" team. The team will be the toast of the town (Tigers??? Puh-lease. They'll be in last place by then) for those two weeks.
Then everything will return to normal.
With that said, here is my always fun Lions prediction (which, as you may notice, is made before the NFL draft/free agent acquisitions because not even LaDanian Tomlinson could save this franchise).
Week 1: Detroit at Oakland
Randy Moss left Oakland for Green Bay. The Raiders have no quarterback. Warren Sapp has food poisoning.
- Lions 13, Raiders 6
Week 2: Minnesota at Detroit
Who's Minnesota's quarterback? Tarvaris Jackson? And do the Vikings even have a running back? Jason Hanson - who should have left town 12 years ago - kicks four field goals.
- Lions 19, Vikings 10
Week 3: Detroit at Philadelphia
The losing begins, and this will be ugly.
- Eagles 35, Lions 6
Week 4: Chicago at Detroit
No Roy Williams prediction before this one. But does it really matter?? Nope. Not unless Grossman throws six INTs (which, I guess, is possible).
- Bears 20, Lions 10
Week 5: Detroit at Washington
Yes, Washington will be bad. But not as bad as Detroit. Get outside instead of watching this barnburner.
- Redskins 17, Lions 9
Week 6: Bye week
Huge off week for the Lions. Plenty of quotes about regrouping and refocusing. Maybe a prediction from Williams.
- No wins, no losses
Week 7: Tampa Bay at Detroit
Yay!! Back on the winning side of things. Lions do a great job of preparing two weeks for the Bucs' vaunted offensive attack led by the aging Jeff Garcia. They even knock him out of the game, riling up the city's stupid fans.
- Lions 24, Bucs 13
Week 8: Detroit at Chicago
Lions start their annual streak of losing close games and blaming each one on something different. This one's on the wind that forked a Hanson field goal wide left.
- Bears 16, Lions 13
Week 9: Denver at Detroit
This time second-year man Jay Cutler engineers a last-minute drive for the Broncos.
- Broncos 21, Lions 17
Week 10: Detroit at Arizona
The backbreaker of the season. Lions lead 21-3 in the third quarter, but Matt Leinart leads a feisty comeback, bringing the Cardinals all the way back. Then Kitna throws an INT in OT, and the season is as good as done.
- Cardinals 30, Lions 24
Week 11: NY Giants at Detroit
Hah, hah. Lions get burned by Eli. On the bright side, there's something positive for Detroit's columnists to write about as former Michigan State player Plaxico Burress has 10 catches for 189 yards and two touchdowns.
- Giants 24, Lions 13
Week 12: Green Bay at Detroit (Thanksgiving)
Relish it while you can, Lions fans. It'll be your last positive moment of the season (besides realizing in late December that you've got the No. 2 pick again). Lions rough up Favre in his final game in Detroit.
- Lions 31, Packers 21
Week 13: Detroit at Minnesota
Are you kidding me? When was the last time Lions won in the dome? 1979? I'm not even looking it up.
- Vikings 20, Lions 16
Week 14: Dallas at Detroit
Another close one. This time Romo (check that, it's some obscure backup quarterback now) handles the snap and the winning field goals is GOOD!
- Cowboys 20, Lions 17
Week 15: Detroit at San Diego
Oh, boy. This one ain't close to close. The Chargers lock up homefield advantage in the AFC.
- Chargers 42, Lions 10
Week 16: Kansas City at Detroit
Big game for Chiefs, who are fighting for that final wild card. Big game for Detroit's fans, who finally stage a "Fire Millen" walkout, not that it's gonna work.
- Chiefs 16, Lions 13
Week 17: Detroit at Green Bay
Man, this is cruel. It's hard enough for the Lions to play the Pack in early December. Now late December? And Favre's last game as a Packer?? WOW.
- Packers 34, Lions 17
So there you have it. A 4-12 season. A one-win improvement over last season. And another No. 2 draft pick. And remember, I'm not changing this even if they get Tomlinson, or Tom Brady, or Peyton Manning or...
It doesn’t matter. These are the Lions, the worst franchise in professional sports, and this is a tradition.
No one loses like the Lions.