"The tortoise and the slow tortoise"

With about a minute left in the Michigan-Michigan State men’s basketball game last night, ESPN commentator Steve Lavin began rambling about coaching philosophy and continued with his monologue for the final 5 minutes of real time - and meaningless Michigan fouls - during the Spartans 59-44 victory.

I don't blame him. There was nothing left to say about either team. One was bad, the other was terrible. One might make the NCAA tournament. The other would need Steve Nash to make it.

For about 33 minutes Tuesday night, Michigan was able to convince Michigan State that mediocrity is OK. The Wolverines would turn the ball over one possession. And then the Spartans - perhaps tempted by peer pressure – would give it right back. The play on both ends of the court was so bad, I was tempted to check my calendar to make sure it was Tuesday, not Thursday, when ESPN2 airs a high school game of the week.

Then again, a good high school team probably could have snuffed out at least the Wolverines on this night.

Finally, leading by just two points, 38-36, with 6:40 to play - that is, in the second half - the Spartans decided to depart Michigan's party, outscoring the Wolverines 21-8 the rest of the game. They moved the ball on offense, creating several easy layups. They took advantage of Michigan's dismal ballhandling, creating several turnovers. Basically, they solidified to the casual observer that they're not in the same rat hole as the Wolverines.

After the game, it was hard to believe that the Wolverines were actually in this thing. That they actually led for all but 1:09 of the first half. The Spartans played so poorly the first 20 minutes, they gave Michigan a chance to build a lead. The Wolverines, of course, always the polite ones at the dinner table, declined, deciding instead to pass out more than 10 turnovers even though they were the guests.

For the first 13 minutes of the second half, the gracious Spartans toyed with their friends from Ann Arbor. Then they embarrassed them.

So sad. So unkind. So pitiful

I don't know if there is one word that can describe this Michigan team right now. Pitiful. Lackluster. Confused. Dazed. Out of sorts.

They have a lame duck coach - Tommy Amaker - who runs possibly the most discombobulated offense in the country. They don't have a point guard (more on that later). They have a center - Courtney Sims - who challenged Greg Oden several times last week, but on Tuesday took just six shots against a player by the name of Goran Suton. They have a talented shooting guard - Dion Harris - who doesn't even get to play his position a lot of the time, and when he does never gets the ball because (did I mention) Michigan lacks a point guard.

They have two guys - Brent Petway and Ekpe Udoh - who can jump out of the building. But just one lob was thrown last night

They have a guy - Reed Baker - who can do one thing: make 3-pointers against a zone. Yet Amaker played him against MSU's man-to-man defense, resulting in a 5-second call.

That's what they have. And if you add it all up, it equals a mess. Jerret Smith, their supposed point guard, has no idea how to run the offense. He might be the worst Division 1 point guard in the country. He can't penetrate. He can't make open shots. And he can't set up his teammates. He's a scrub, plain and simple.

If Michigan had a decent point guard, they'd have a shot at the NCAA tournament. Michigan State has an exceptional point guard - Drew Neitzel - who is the only reason why they still have a shot at the tournament. Besides him, they're no better than Michigan (the Wolverines might even have more talent). The two squads could be found at the same birthday party.

But the Spartans got sick of Michigan's gig Tuesday night. They were ready to move on. So they went ahead and graduated middle school.

Leaving the elementary Wolverines alone in the sandbox.