"What I'm (not) thankful for"

I know Thanksgiving is still being celebrated in America. There's plenty of leftover turkey for sandwiches and the unwanted sweet potatoes will be in the basement 'fridge for days. But, here in Australia, there's no such thing as Thanksgiving. No turkey, no football, no uncles passing out in the love seat.

So, in honor of the country I'm inhabiting, here's a list of things I'm not thankful for in sports.

- Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday night college football
- Barry Bonds' enlarged head.
- Vinny Testaverde still in the NFL at 43 (you're not Morton Anderson!)
- People criticizing Tiki for retiring young
- People who still criticize Barry Sanders for retiring young (he played for the Lions!)
- Commercials before and after kickoffs in the NFL
- The Kansas City Royals (except when they’re playing the Tigers)
- The New York Knicks (except when 5-9 Nate Robinson blocks Yao straight up)
- My hometown Detroit Lions
- My hometown Detroit Lions getting beat by their old QB, Joey Harrington, on Thanksgiving (ouch!!)
- The Arizona Cardinals (a moveable stadium wouldn't save this franchise)
- Adam Morrison's mustache
- Bob Knight's outbursts
- John Calipari. Period
- John Chaney not coaching Temple
- Temple football
- Duke football (even worse now than Temple)
- North Carolina football
- Doping in cycling
- Doping in track and field
- Athletes denying they doped (when it's obvious)
- Coaches who encourage their athletes to dope (Trevor Graham, anyone?)
- Greg Anderson being owned by Bonds
- MLB players getting way-too-big contracts (Soriano, Soriano, Soriano)
- The Chicago White Sox changing the starting time of their night games to 7:11 p.m. since 7-Eleven is sponsoring them
- Ballparks named after banks
- Ballparks named after orange juice
- Ballparks named after anything corporate
- Tearing down Tiger Stadium
- The Yankees leaving Yankee Stadium
- The Mets leaving Shea Stadium
- Anyone who thinks of the Red Sox leaving Fenway or the Cubs leaving Wrigley
- Long breaks between games in series during the two-month-long NBA playoffs
- The referees during the NBA playoffs
- Giving D-Wade star treatment during the NBA playoffs
- The new no-tolerance rule in the NBA (although they're letting up a little)
- The new ball
- Whatever Kenny Rogers had on his hand
- Derek Jeter not winning an MVP in 10 seasons (although I despise the Yankees)
- The Red Sox spending as much as the Yankees
- Playing four NFL pre-seasons games
- The fact that Roger Federer will someday have to retire from tennis
- The fact that Tiger Woods will someday have to retire from golf
- Latrell Spreewell (did he retire? How's he gonna feed the family?)
- Eddie Griffin
- Watching KG continue to get no support on the T-Wolves in his 10th season
- The thought of KG never winning a championship
- The thought of AI never winning a championship
- The thought of Peyton Manning never winning a Super Bowl
- Any extraordinary athlete never winning a championship
- The 2006-2007 pitiful Miami Heat
- Athletes riding motorcycles
- Athletes driving drunk
- Detroit Lions' assistant coaches driving drunk
- TO being singled out
- TO adding more charcoal to the fire
- TO writing children's books
- TO not wishing McNabb the best after McNabb tore his ACL
- Schools with 0 percent graduation rates for their basketball teams
- College coaches who use players and then forget about them
- Universities who use players and then forget about them
- People who say college athletics isn't a big-money business
- Telecasts that don't cut away from the blowout to give you bonus coverage of the close game (not everyone has Direct TV)
- The New York Knicks (did I mention them?)
- The lack of minorities in front-office jobs
- The lack of interest in baseball in the inner cities
- The lack of kids playing sports for fun anymore
- Parents who live through their kids' athletic feats
- Parents who pull guns on coaches or refs over nothing
- Parents who do anything other than simply support their kid and let him or her play
- LeBron driving a Hummer
- Roger Clemens owning six Hummers
- Anybody driving a Hummer
- Fans who interrupt a game
- Fans who berate players without having a clue what it's like to play
- Fans who attend a game for the food
- Fans who attend a game to get drunk
- The "real" fans not getting to see the NBA All-Star Game because all the celebrities take up the seats
- The Pro Bowl
- The two zillion college football post-season games
- The winner of the All-Star Game getting home-field advantage in the WS
- The BCS
- A playoff system (which would still cause controversy)
- The BCS title game being played Jan. 8
- Any bowl game played before my birthday (Dec. 24)
- When a team or player I like is on the cover of SI
- The Madden Jinx
- The Williams sisters falling off the face of the earth
- Watching cricket matches
- Box seats at Fenway eclipsing the $100 mark
- Comerica Park (especially the mile-away upper deck)
- The whole Duke lacrosse mess
- Boston College in the ACC
- Marquette and Cincinnati in the Big East
- Conference USA being dried up
- Teams that run up the score
- Players who pad their stats (ummm.... Ricky Davis)
- Michael Jordan in a front office and not on the court
- Chewing tobacco over Big League Chew
- Anyone who says a game is over when it's not (don't EVER pencil it in)
- Anyone who leaves a game early
- Anyone who doesn't want to move down when there are clearly empty seats closer to the playing surface
- Point guards who shoot too much
- Centers who don't average seven-plus rebounds
- The Sean Bradleys of the world
- Owners who refuse to do anything (ummm... William Clay Ford Sr.)
- GM's who are awful and get new contracts (ummm... Matt Millen)
- Anyone against a rematch
- Having to wait two full days until USC-Notre Dame
- Having to wait three full days for more NFL action
- Only having Miami-Boston College to watch on Thanksgiving night because Denver-Kansas City was on the NFL Network
Wait... I'm in Australia. There is no Thanksgiving anyway. OK, how about "University of Miami football. Period"

Fine. That's how I'm closing the list - with images of Larry Coker floating through my head. Yeah, life sans Thanksgiving is definitely a hurricane.